Thursday, February 26, 2015

 Goats peeking and wondering, "Are you coming to see us? Did you notice all this snow?!"
 This kid noticed. Sledding and snow cream for breakfast. Nothing better in the world.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

We each have our familiar circles of agony and mine has always been: want to have kids/must make money.

When the kids were babies and we lived in poverty the need for money was louder but never louder than my need to not hand the babies off to strangers---almost but not quite louder. We carried a lot of debt to get through. Over time I've had various jobs for money, working only when my husband was home, yet none stuck. Probably because our financial needs were filled as my husband got through graduate school and began drawing a salary. The things extra money covered never outweighed the cost of stricter scheduling demands with both parents leaving to work. And never outweighed Always Being On, for both me and my husband. Down time is a physical reality. You can try to live without down time but eventually the need of it will tilt and consume you. In any case, even in the face of obvious plenty, my psychological need to earn money has never been silenced. Nor my need to spend, come to think of it.

Since walking off the farm, I've been officially "unemployed" for a week and 3 days. This morning I sat weeping with coffee on the couch, next to my husband. He's heard my concerns before. His response has been level steady and pitch perfect from ground zero: "I've chosen a career, no matter what you choose. I support any choice you make. The work you do at home matters. Being a parent is a full time job, if that's what you want."

Yet, I feel a very deep sense of shame at being nearly 50 years old without a career. My skill sets are all insanely specialized: talking to toddlers, assisting birth, milking cows. I do not know what I'm going to do with myself 5 years from now. Something, but what? Please don't suggest I go back to college. I could. I would rather be a waitress. And maybe that's exactly what I'll end up doing.

Something crucial finally hit home this morning. There is nothing I could have done differently.

Other than finishing a college degree in my 20s. *Mark me, children.*

This is the dilemma of women in our society. Every parent I know has faced the same and we all find different solutions according to our own values and needs. But we are the richest society in the world and we spend the least amount of time with our children. What children need to thrive may be the biggest taboo subject in American culture. As a taboo subject its bigger, even, than men who get raped. We can talk all day long about choices for men and women. Just don't let anyone suggest children might have needs. That there might be conscriptions of a sort to parenting, beyond gender or money, for God's sake.

There is no way my husband and I could have raised our family the way we wanted, and could enjoy the relationship we have with our kids, if I had also simultaneously run a career. Smaller piddly jobs, hardly worth the pittance of money they bring, might be what I do for the rest of my life. If so, the lack of income was worth it. Priceless, even. But the bigger point is, our society generates this dilemma. Women are expected, or expect of themselves, that we should, in fact, do it all. When the truth is, all can not be done. Only some can be done.

I don't know. No one is going to solve the worlds problems on a blog, least of all me. But the realization that I couldn't do anything but what I did, or else we would all have had a very different life, calmed me down. It made me stop crying and I felt slightly less guilty about not being able to step neatly and nextly into some new, high dollar high status high reward, job. Maybe I can now approach these next transitions with less angst? Without turning to discussions with Salinger in my mind, for comfort. Without making my husband hold me while I cry over our good fortune. Just once, Buddy, and maybe this time without showing up on the corner of Broad and Main in a Goddamn housecoat offering positively anyone who even looks my way a tangerine and a prayer?

What society asks of families is impossible. If all can not be done, who loses? Usually, the children.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

I'm oddly adrift without a paying job. But I'm settling in, and noticing something important.

Transitions are difficult and the transition from stay at home mother to empty nester is famously difficult. I tend to run at transitions full force. As Scott B put it, "There is a way of dancing so fast that you don't notice other people watching or anything else but your own dance." Taking the cowgirl job was a way of running ahead so I didn't have to plod quietly and slowly through these last few years of being home with kids. Basically, a cowardly dash past rather than through the pain and fear of change. The job was also wonderful and helpful on several levels. I'm not minimizing that. Just noticing this other truth.

Yesterday I made chocolate snaps from a modified version of R's recipe. Then we filled homemade henna-style cones with royal icing and decorated them. The results were less subtle than we would have hoped. We learned to aim for thinner icing next time. But the project was delicious and fun. And the cookie tin, I notice, is nearly empty this morning.

Today we woke to snow. I'm rising dough for English Muffins and contemplating a long walk with kids and a camera. None of these things: cookies, muffins, snowy walks, would be happening if I'd been up since 4 working outside. Monetary values aside and disregarding the fact that neither kid specifically NEEDS me, I can say undoubtedly that more time equals more time together and more memories. And this time with kids home is still fleeting---possibly faster now, and priceless. Rushing past this would be a mistake.

I never could have predicted anything that's happened since we had kids. Not a move to Texas, not homeschooling, not cows nor farm life. I'm happily wondering what will happen next?

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Surprising announcement: I'm not working at the dairy. They are restructuring and I've stepped aside to open a full time position for them, which is what they really need. After things are sorted, there may be room for me again and we're all happily open to that possibility. It may seem abrupt but I always knew this was a possibility and the timing could not be better for me. How sad am I to learn how to sleep on a normal schedule again, in these 4 degree temps? Not sad at all.

Though, there have been strange consequences. This morning, for instance, I slept through coffee time. I got up at 8:30 and had a piece of prune cake. I took care of the animals, checked out life online, and was just considering what the day should hold when R showed up in the kitchen. This girl has only seen one true morning in the last two years so you know she's not feeling well. She has a terrible cold. So we decided to watch Winnie-the-Pooh. About half way through my head started pounding. I took some Advil.

The kids and I decided to brave the icy roads the freezing temperatures and drive to market. We needed to pick up potatoes, onions, and vitamin D3. Apparently I am profoundly deficient--so says the midwife who drew my blood for a routine physical last week. She said to go ahead and dose the whole family. Perhaps D will help us finally kick this nasty cold we keep passing around? In any case, the Advil wasn't kicking in, my head was pounding as we were checking out, and then it hit me. I never had coffee this morning. Odd but easily fixed. We're home now, snuggled in for lounging. I'll get my routine back in order soon. Maybe the vitamins will help.

The chickens are seriously unpleased. Also, I think Brownie it going to kid in the next 2 weeks.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

“Your child must set her own goals and measure her own progress. She must identify and then solve her own problems. You have to stay out of her way so she can do that. This can be very challenging for adults, especially if they feel it’s their job to ‘teach’ their child. They want to goose things along; they want to herd the child in the ‘right’ direction. They want to point out what isn’t going to work so
time isn’t wasted. But here’s the thing — *it is not a waste of time for children to solve their own problems*. And to learn to solve problems requires being allowed to have them in the first place.”

~Project-Based Homeschooling: Mentoring Self-Directed Learners

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

 The chickens, born last spring, are all, "What THE FUCK is this?!"

Monday, February 16, 2015

Just watched Maiden Trip. It was haunting and sort of devastating in a victorious and beautiful way. Talk about an unschooled life! Inspired Joe to go find that old Patty Griffin song: 10 Million Miles.

We're snugged up in the house with all the chicks in all their nests, the heat up, extra water and food stored, and ice falling outside. Big changes lately. Happy to pause in a dark winter night for warmth, deep breaths, sleep. Grateful for the miles but more grateful for rest right now.